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Thu, 08 May 2008 18:35:00 -0500
Elisha Cuthbert is like heaven in a bikini - with boobs, and did I mention a bikini?
Elisha Cuthbert continues her Hawaiian vacation with her boyfriend Guy I Hate Because He's Not Me. As I've learned from you, astute readers, Elisha is Canadian. Does that mean she's ineligible for the Congressional Medal of Honor? Because I'm pretty sure she deserves one, if not two. In fact, because I'm a patriot, I'd be willing to pin them on her chest. It'd be a laborious task, without question, but one I'd treat with honor and respect because dammit, do I love them stars and stripes. And, also, boobs. Don't forget boobs.
Thu, 08 May 2008 17:20:00 -0500
Jessica Alba wants you to stare at her as long as you can
Jessica Alba seems to be cuckoo for staring contests. So much so, that's she willing to engage in them online. I included a video of her staring prowess after the jump which is either the most seductive and/or creepiest thing I've ever seen without my pants on. Anyway, who the hell competes in online staring contests? That's just retarded. Unlike my newly launched Online Rock-Paper-Scissors competition. It's easy to play and fun for the whole family! Simply pick your weapon and I've already lined up my predetermined responses. Let's go!:
If you chose "Scissors," The Superficial Writer chose "Rock." Contemplate suicide.
If you chose "Paper," The Superficial Writer chose "Scissors." Holy crap, you have a vagina.
If you chose "Rock," The Superficial Writer chose "TANK!" I AM THE L33T! And, also, your biological father.
GAME OVER.
Damn, that's good fun. Thanks to Brandon who needs to blink, man, blink!
Thu, 08 May 2008 16:05:00 -0500
Vanilla Ice's wife 911 call will make you stop, collaborate and listen. Then feel kind of awkward.
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Nothing's funnier than a domestic violence 911 call. Especially one that involves Vanilla Ice. Am I right? High five! Anyway, after six minutes of sheer lunacy (audio after the jump) you'll find it comforting to know that Vanilla's wife Laura dropped the battery charges and took him back, according to TMZ. So, sorry, ladies, the Ice is off the market - until his Hungry Man dinner gets burnt next week.
Thanks to George who would totally open up some Ninja Rap on Vanilla Ice's punkass - which is apparently 41-years-old. Who knew?
Thu, 08 May 2008 15:20:00 -0500
Amy Winehouse makes bail, free to terrorize the populace
Amy Winehouse is out on bail after being arrested yesterday for smoking crack on video. So, now here's the part of the day, conveniently timed before lunch, where I post pics of Amy in her perpetual state of disarray. Or, as I like to call it, the "Aw, Geez, What the Fuck? Hour." Also, scope out that camera angle in the top pic. No doubt the photographer collapsed, bleeding from the eyes while his camera managed to take a final shot. If it were a camcorder, we'd be able to hear Amy declare: "Bloody hell! Now I want me some French fries, kangaroo with the muffin top. Alright, geezers, Nintendo 64!"
Thu, 08 May 2008 13:25:00 -0500
Britney Spears' second cameo sticks it to Doogie Howser, but not the way he'd prefer
Britney Spears is done filming her second appearance on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother. This time around her character Abby is dating Doogie Howser's character Barney which must be really awkward for the Doog considering he publicly complained about stunt casting Britney. Apparently, the writers decided to send him the message to "Shut the hell up and stop rocking the gravy train." Entertainment Tonight reports on Britney's second go-round:
"I had such a great experience the last time I was on the show that I couldn't wait to come back," she said. "I was really looking forward to working with this cast and crew again. Everyone was so nice. Abby is going to have a lot of fun!"
I included a video clip after the jump which I'll warn you will start playing automatically. So, brace yourself for some Britney Spears acting on the ASAP. If you can't play videos at your work, don't worry, I've got a way around your network admin: It's called quitting. It's real simple and all it takes is a well-timed middle finger to your boss after you tip over the water cooler and admit to eating everyone's lunch. Damn, I should blog for Monster.com. I've got career skills out the anus!
EDIT: Okay, wow, so that video not only autoplays, but goes right into "Barbara Walters' miscarriage." Mmm, transition-y.
Thu, 08 May 2008 12:40:00 -0500
John Mayer made something I like... *head explodes*
John Mayer got together with the folks over at FunnyOrDie.com to make a video that takes us behind the scenes of his song-writing process. And, here's the kicker, it's pretty fucking funny. Don't get me wrong. John Mayer's music still makes me want to eat a live grenade, but I actually started to like him as a person. I'm even willing to forgive that he's able to score a chick like Jennifer Aniston. And, oh wait, the peyote's wearing off. Where am I? Who typed these words? What happened to Lion-O from Thundercats? I could've sworn he was sitting right here next to me.
Thanks to Laura for making me realize John Mayer deserves to live - for now....
Thu, 08 May 2008 12:00:00 -0500
Minnie Driver hints at the father of her baby
Minnie Driver hinted at who the father of her child might be to The Independent and denied rumors that it's San Francisco musician Craig Zolezzi. Also, judging by her information, the father is not Criss Angel. Great, so I built this bunker for nothing. Sonofa... :
The only clues Driver will offer about the identity of her "baby daddy" are that he is English, and "sort of in the same business", and that they have evaded detection because "he's really busy, like me". She is so far undecided whether to have her baby in England or the US: "A big part of me wants my child to be English. My family are here and I'm sure I'll move back here one day. It's just that my work, and the opportunities I've had, have been so varied and wonderful in the States that I've just followed my nose really.
Holy shit. It's Eddie Izzard. You heard it here first*. And before the comment board fills up with a hundred messages from a gaggle of homophobes with broadband, Eddie Izzard is 100% straight - despite all the cross dressing. According to his Wikipedia bio, he considers himself a "male lesbian" which is interesting because I consider myself a "female lesbian but with a penis, y chromosome and an Adam's apple chiseled from steel."
*Or 1,547th.
Thu, 08 May 2008 11:55:00 -0500
Michael Lohan: Hey, I wanna be in the news too! Ooh ooh! Me me me!
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This whole Dina Lohan/Mingling Moms fiasco keeps getting better. St. Michael Lohan already chimed in his two cents to TMZ Tuesday night, but now he's talking to Page Six about his disgust with Dina's recognition as a Top Mom:
Michael fumed, "Are you kidding! Top celebrity mom? Look at her off-screen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top super-mom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence. Just wait until we go back to court.
"She comes stumbling out of Butter at 3:15 a.m. with bloodshot eyes and a red runny nose, yelling 'Oh, [bleep],' when she saw the paparazzi."
Dina, of course, commented back to Page Six and then name-dropped her own daughter. These two should get back together. They were made for each other:
"I've allowed him visitation once a week, so I don't understand why he's doing this. He's jealous that I got the award. He even called the organizers and tried to talk them out of giving it to me."
Dina fears that Michael will now try to contact her directly. She says she has a restraining order against him until 2011 she thinks he'll violate.
"He's using the media to talk to me," Dina said. "I'm getting nervous. Lindsay came to town two weeks ago and wanted security guys there in case he showed up. His parole officer needs to see what he's doing and realize that he cannot address me directly or indirectly. He wears a tracking device and they'll know if he comes anywhere near me. He's on a mission to destroy me."
Someone explain to me how Lindsay Lohan didn't grow up to become the greatest mind of our generation. I mean, with parents like these, I can't believe she's not in Mensa. But, no, seriously, where were the grandparents who should've stepped in and found a better home for these kids? You know, somewhere safe like the zoo. Or in an alley with a pack of stray dogs. These children deserve better, dammit!
Thu, 08 May 2008 09:50:00 -0500
Dina Lohan is the kiss of death (Back me up, Lindsay)
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Mingling Moms is having some serious regrets about honoring Dina Lohan Tuesday night as one of the Top 20 Moms of Long Island. Dina was voted in through an online survey which begs the question, "Who's letting their wife use the Internet, and why are you a terrorist?" The AP reports:
"It just spun out of control," Mingling Moms president Erica Logiudice told The Associated Press on Wednesday. "The press is welcome to be there — I mean, we want it to be out there. But what they did was they kept badgering me, `Why Dina Lohan? Why Dina Lohan?'"
But Logiudice said the attention around Lohan distracted from the true purpose of the event: to bring moms together for a fun time and raise money for breast cancer research. A portion of the proceeds went to the F.A.C.T. foundation, a Long Island-based breast cancer charity.
"This is such a good thing I tried to do, and I worked for so long on it," said Loguidice, who said the organization has been getting hate mail on its Web site. "And to wake up and see all this nonsense, it's just upsetting, you know?"
I want to feel sorry for poor Erica Loguidice, but at the same time, Why Dina Lohan?! I mean, if you were planning this for so long and drawing blueprints, every one knows the logistical symbol for Dina is a bottle of vodka that shoots rockets at small children. That's Blueprinting 101.
Wed, 07 May 2008 21:00:00 -0500
Jennifer Aniston in a bikini canoodling with John Mayer - Why did I just use that word?
Here's photographic proof that John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are, indeed, romantically involved. I don't know how the guy does it. I mean, roofies eventually wear off, right? I keep trying to get chicks at the bar to drop one in my drink and take advantage of me. But so far no dice. Except for that one girl who took me up on my offer then stole my car, wallet and everything not nailed down in my house. Which means my case of beer and Star Wars action figures are safe. How could I live without you, Yoda with a giant nail through his face?
Wed, 07 May 2008 16:00:00 -0500
Elisabeth Hasselbeck should wrestle Ann Coulter in a vat of pudding - unless she hates America
Elisabeth Hasselbeck, one fourth of the clucking you hear when watching The View, decided to show off her sweet bikini-clad post-pregnant bod in the pages of Fitness Magazine. Elisabeth did a bunch of stuff like dieting, exercising and whatever else Republicans do to lose weight. Which I'll assume includes throwing Bibles at poor people. I dunno, I've never been to a gym. Anyway, Rosie O'Donnell is probably ogling these pics and wishing she'd been a little nicer to Elisabeth. Or Rosie could just be eating her typical Wednesday snack that consists of those giant Brontosaurus ribs from the opening credits of The Flintstones. True story.
Wed, 07 May 2008 14:35:00 -0500
Amy Winehouse arrested again, world record in sight
Amy Winehouse has been arrested again making it the 2,567th time this month. This time it's for the video of Amy smoking crack and downing six Valium. Turns out that's illegal. Who knew? BBC News reports:
A Metropolitan Police (Met) spokesman said the arrest was in connection with a video of the star passed to them in January this year.
It's gotta be the easiest gig in town to work the drug beat for the Metropolitan Police. All you gotta do is show up for work, drive over to Amy Winehouse's pad and BOOM! let's call it a day. I bet you sometimes they just call her up and say "Hey, Amy, can you be a sport and save us a trip, love? There's some McDonald's in it for you." She typically bursts through a window five minutes later. Except the one time she drove a scooter through the front door. Well, not so much drove as sat backwards while her cat steered.
NOTE: No need to thank me for the photos, precious readers. It's my way of saying "You complete me."
Wed, 07 May 2008 13:20:00 -0500
Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz to wed next week (I'll bring the shotgun!)
First, sorry for two Ashlee Simpson 's post in a row. Totally unplanned. Please, don't kill me. Anyway, Ashlee and Pete Wentz are reportedly walking down the aisle next week! Somebody apparently whipped out the shotgun and my money's on Joe Simpson. And, no, not for his daughter's honor. Ha ha. That's rich. Seriously, you should be writing this instead of me. Hollyscoop reports:
A source close to the couple has told Hollyscoop exclusively, "The wedding invitations have been sent out, its taking place the weekend of May 16. The location will not be revealed until the day of the wedding but guests are told it will be an hour drive from Los Angeles."
Our source also confirmed that Ashlee is 100% pregnant. Papa Joe is probably busy selling off the wedding info and pictures as we speak so expect to see it in the tabloids Memorial weekend.
Joe Simpson is probably the coolest dad in the world. Not only does he sell the photo rights to his daughter's unborn child but to her shotgun wedding as well. This is almost better than the gift he got Ashlee for her Sweet 16. Which was a boob job for her sister Jessica. God, that's sweet. *sniff* And my own father wouldn't even play catch with me... I can't help it I've got flippers for arms!
Wed, 07 May 2008 12:15:00 -0500
Ashlee Simpson's breasts suggest a case of pregnantitis in the uterus sector
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In case you can't tell by the headline, this post will tackle deep medical issues using the most scientific of terms. For realz. N/J. Every once in a while The Sun drops an expose that shakes the very field of journalism to its core. Today they examined the size of Ashlee Simpson's breasts in relation to her sister Jessica and whether that size suggests Pete Wentz busted a baby up in that ass. I feel humbled to be in the presence of such a report:
Ashlee, who got engaged to rocker boyfriend PETE WENTZ last month, has recently been subject of rumours surrounding a possible pregnancy.
But the eye-catching size of her bust pictured above will only increase speculation, as it looks like she's developed a pair of CHRISTINA AGUILERA-style pregnancy boobs.
Dear Pulitzer Committee,
As an esteemed member of your establishment, I'm writing to gracefully request you withhold my Pulitzer and award it to the investigative team at The Sun. Not only did these brave individuals address the tough issues of how pregorific are Ashlee Simpson's milk cannons, but they went the extra mile to compare her to Christina Aguilera. I like to believe their work speaks for itself, however, I could not sleep peacefully at night unless I did my very best to ensure their groundbreaking reporting was recognized.
Please, search your hearts and soul while weighing this monumental decision. And, also, take into account the true litmus test of any journalistic endeavor: OMG BOOBZ!
Semper Fi Mammarus,
The Superficial Writer
Wed, 07 May 2008 11:10:00 -0500
Christina Aguilera: A mommy after my own heart/pants
So, I just learned that drinking beer can help lactation which is about the greatest scientific discovery since that guy who put those fizzy things in bottles of Guinness (Excluding the time I choked on one.). According to Page Six, Christina Aguilera is all about making her awesome mammaries more lactalicious and hit up some bars with her hubby Beast Man:
The pop tart, who recently gave birth to son Max, went to Crown Bar in Los Angeles with hubby Jordan Bratman and friends, who had a few rounds before continuing the party at the Chateau Marmont. A source said Bratman, who stayed sober, drove home.
This is fantastic news for gentlemen, like myself, who enjoy picking up single moms at the club. Now I've got an easy in to buy one of them a drink: "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your lactation seems a bit low. May I be of some assistance?" Watch out, ladies, I just found your kryptonite...
UPDATE: HELP! The La Leche League is after me! I think I lost them down an alley - ACK! They're in my house! Ladies, I was only trying to hel - *POP* Oh yeah, that was a testicle. Mommy.
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